Thursday, 07 July 2022

What to say to someone who is passing on

Knowing what to say to someone who is passing on is never easy. But it’s absolutely gut-wrenching when that person is your own parent. As a family caregiver, end-of-life care can be full of emotion. Not only do you have to deal with your own grief while handling the details of your mom or dad’s final days, you might also be considering your own mortality.

When the time comes to talk to a person about death, it’s best to be prepared as best you can. The reality is that you can never be fully prepared when dealing with something so life changing. But you can still take steps to help you feel less overwhelmed and hopefully allow yourself to be present with your parents. Many times, the person who is passing on knows they are and wants to feel comfort and support. They want to be assured things will be OK and make amends for things that happened in the past.

Having some idea of what to say and how to say it will help you express your empathy and compassion, acknowledge your mom or dad’s feelings, and let them know you’re there to help. You can use this to help guide you about what to say and how to say it.

Make It Clear That You’re There for Them Not saying anything, even in these most heart-wrenching times, won’t help the situation. It won’t make the reality go away, no matter how much you might want it to. It’s very important to let the person know that you are there for their needs as long as you can fulfil them. Some people facing death are comforted by the “little things,” like having their home tidied up or listening to their favourite music. Some like to know that end-of-life needs are taken care of, such as financial considerations or funeral arrangements. And some people just like to know that their family members are physically there to be with them.

Love Is A Priority Loving a person who is passing takes precedence over all. You don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong. Be honest. Feel free to talk about how you feel, but be sure to listen to your loved one as well. Although it may seem counterintuitive, it’s ok to talk about dying even with the person who is facing it. Go above and beyond in fulfilling the needs of your loved one at this time is perhaps the greatest gift you could give them, and we are talking about emotional needs, not medical needs.

Someone who is passing on should be respected in their decision making. Don’t try to pressure them into making your decisions. They need to decide for themselves what they will do with what little time they have left. If they are conscious, let them take the lead. Just in how you should take cues from them in conversation, let them make decisions in practical and legal issues. You can make suggestions and help them in their requests, but let them be in charge.

Say “I Love You” According to Dr. Ira Byock, author of Four Things That Matter Most, it’s never too late to say “I love you” in any relationship. Even if you’re not the type to say it to your parents, it’s a good idea to say it now. Morbid as it may seem, approach every “goodbye” as though it might be the last time you say it. Because the truth is, it might be. You might regret it if you say something like “See you soon” and then don’t get a chance to say a proper goodbye. That’s why telling mom and dad that you love them is so important.

Encourage mom or dad to share their favourite memories or fun stories about their life. Sharing the most special moments and memories of their lives is a powerful way to celebrate what a wonderful life they’ve lived, and it can remind them of their immense impact on their loved ones.

Starting a conversation about dying Here are some ways that you can open up a conversation about dying or about someone’s fears or emotions:

• How are you feeling about your situation at the moment?
• Are you finding this difficult?
• You must be feeling a lot of emotions at the moment?
• Is there any one thing worrying you the most?
• Do you feel frightened all the time or just sometimes?
• Is there anything you want to talk about?
• Is there anything that you want us to know?
• Is there anything that helps you feel calm?

There are many ways to communicate and show compassion to a person passing on. Find a meaningful way to connect with the person to provide comfort and support. Just being yourself and available is enough. Know that this can be a difficult time, and it can also be a peaceful time you may cherish.

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